Top 10 Things to Do at the IRCE

Top 10 Things to Do at the Internet Retailer Conference

by Smart Furniture

Attending the 2010 Internet Retailer Conference was a first for me. I was fortunate enough to go with 2 of my co-workers from Smart Furniture, and we had a great time in this year's host city of Chicago. With that said, I wish I knew a week ago what I know now so I could have gotten the absolute most out of the IRCE. So, thoughtful fellow that I am, I made a list of the top 10 things to do at the Internet Retailer Conference for next year's attendees. It's from an attendee's point of view, but I'm sure this years' exhibitors and speakers can gain something from it too. So without further ado, here is:


The Top 10 Things to Do at the Internet Retailer Conference

10. After fighting for a spot in line for the Q & A session, ask keynote speakers what measures their organization has taken to prevent duplicate content from appearing in alt tags on product landing pages.

9. Expand every acronym when conversing with others, eg: "I specialize in Search Engine Optimization for Customer Relationship Management and Enterprise Resource Planning providers." Look confused when, in response, the person you're talking to uses terms like "CMS" and "PPC".


8. Try like hell to sell your company's products to exhibitors. Bring catalogs and point emphatically at them whenever you bring the conversation back around to what you can provide them.

7. When someone asks if you currently do something in-house, laugh and reply: "No, we do it all in the out-house!" Give them a hearty slap on the back to really drive home the humor.

6. Whenever someone new sits down at your lunch table, grab their nametag and hold it up to your face, squinting. Look them in the eye and ask them in your most nasal voice possible if they're here for the computer conference.

5. Refer to any non-smart phone as "ghetto".

4. Ask Verisign if they provide SSL solutions every time you pass their booth.

3. Festoon the perimeters of random power outlets with gold streamers and place a "Reserved for VIP Gold Members" sign next to them.

2. In the middle of a session, methodically enunciate the words "COCKER -- SPANIEL -- PUPPIES" into your smart phone. Express audible and visual frustration with the device. Repeat.

1. Whenever an exhibitor brings up the prospect of a higher conversion rate, lean in close, lower your voice, and tell them, "Personally, my conversion rate's already pretty high." Wink knowingly.